Prose

Catching Up

Posted on by Prie

*breathes in, breathes out*

First things first, I’m extremely sorry for abandoning this space, especially because you, strangers on the Internet, listened when I had no one to talk to. A quick recap – I got into college and am now studying computer science which I’ve always wanted too. I’m currently part of two scholarship programs, one from my college and one from Google (didn’t mean to flex, but damn, it feels like a dream to even say this out loud). I got in and out of a toxic relationship with a guy that I once wrote about here. Apparently, it took a Prince Charming to enter my life and make me realize my worth so that I could finally gather the courage to break up. I’ll talk more about that toxic relationship when I no longer feel angry or sad thinking about what a sad, pathetic person he was. This, however, is the story of Prince Charming and how much my life changed in the past 6 months. 

It was a cold January day when Mr. Charming stood beside me in a classroom full of nerds and said something funny. I chuckled and looked at him. I swear, at that moment, if he would’ve asked me to marry him, I would’ve. His broad smile and naive eyes. I was tongue-tied and mesmerized. 

I felt kindness, a connection, a feeling that was so alien to me because, for the months following up to that, I had just been scrutinized for all my opinions, talked inappropriately to every day for 4 months and made to live in my own personal hell while suffering from Stockholm Syndrome. It was in that split second that everything became clear. My heart thawed and I thought to myself, “I will never deserve you stranger, but thank you for this moment.” A twist in the tale, that moment persisted and that smile, that connection, never broke off, only grew stronger and stronger in the past 6 months.

We just stood there, joked around, in our own little world. I couldn’t remember the last time, I was this happy. I wanted him all to myself but I made peace with the fact that I won’t ever see him again for he was too good for me. 

Surprise, surprise, we ended up on the same team for a hackathon and with a geeky text on WhatsApp, our conversation began. I went through the usual waiting-for-hours-before-replying-so-as-to-not-seem-desperate. But the texts grew longer and the reply time grew shorter. From team meetings to meeting alone, I fell more and more. I’m not a believer but he made one out of me. I witnessed growth in me, both emotionally and intellectually. Every day, I became the best version of me, and every day his magical spell grew stronger.

But then the pandemic struck and our lives were put on pause. Confessing before departing seemed like a cruel thing that I didn’t want him to endure considering how his last long-distance relationship ended. Also because I didn’t think it’d be fair to him, for I had just gotten out of one. 

On our last evening together, I broke the social constructs I had set for our “friendship”, lay my head on his shoulder, and stargazed as I forgot the world around me for my world was leaving soon. We both knew what the other person was thinking but couldn’t say it. The timing just wasn’t right. When I bid him goodbye, the next day, I silently whispered, “Stay”. My silence was drowned out by the engine of his Ola ride, but we both knew that this uncertainty wasn’t going away anytime soon. In the last couple of months, we’ve gotten used to the distance, compensating with texts and calls, but I still miss his hand accidentally brushing against mine.

Last night at 4:30 AM, after our movie date, I wanted to say confess my feelings, something I couldn’t deny anymore. But decided against it. He deserved a much better proposal, so I swallowed my words and backspaced everything. There’s so much I want to say to those smiling eyes but can’t because the timing isn’t right. So I’m going to write this out for the time being for my own peace of mind. Maybe you’ll find it someday. Maybe you won’t, but let this post be proof for what a wonderful man you are. 

Here it goes – When I first met you, I was living a lie, was trying to fix a broken relationship with a manipulative person who couldn’t hold a 10-minute conversation without calling me pretentious, who’d shamelessly talk about other girls in front of me and I took it jokingly because hey, he couldn’t possibly be serious, right? He went against everything I stood for and I let him for I was a bystander in my own life, a despicable version of myself, an empty shell perhaps.

You taught me to love myself again from the moment you stood beside me on that cold January morning. You woke me up from the fake fairy dream that I had built in my head. And I fell for your thoughtfulness, your chivalry, your beliefs; I fell for you, harder, every passing day. You make me smile foolishly throughout the day. Every time you whisper on one of our calls, you send chills right down my spine. You’re in my head 24/7 and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

I know we are miles apart, a lack of physical connection is killing me but we’ve come so far, wouldn’t you agree mister? This would have gone completely different if you would’ve been in front of me but bear with me for a second. Close your eyes and imagine us sneaking out of our hostels at 10 in the morning. You thought we were going on a walk and was visibly surprised when a Uber showed up and I beckoned you to get in. As you made your puppy dog eyes to ask me repeatedly where we were going, I held back, with all the courage I could gather, leaned in to whisper, “Patience, mister”, then pulled away.

After half an hour, you figure out that we are en route to a nearby beach town, while I joked about how I was kidnapping you. The car stops in front of a small oriental restaurant away from the main city. I hand you a bag filled with your clothes that I had sneakily got hold of from your roommate as you stared at me visibly confused. We both changed into something a bit more dressy. The next two hours were filled with conversation, stories, and good food after which I held your hand and walked along the shore. 

Suddenly, I stopped and looked up at you. You are trying to read my eyes as the sand is slipping down our feet and the sound of the waves are somewhat deafening. My grip on your hand grows tighter. The sky is changing colors but at that moment, nothing mattered except you and me. I finally muster the courage to speak up.

“I know it has been just 6 months since we’ve known each other but why does it feel like forever? You are everything I could’ve ever wished for, and more. I love the fact that we’re so similar. I love the way you send these long paragraphs when you really care about something. I love the way you stood for me. I love the way you get all panicky over small things concerning me. I love the way you always support me and hold me in high regard. I love the way you look at me and call me cute. How did I ever get so lucky is beyond me. I don’t want to lose you to someone else hence I couldn’t stop myself from doing this. So, Mr. Charming, would you like to have me as your girlfriend?”

And that is how I imagined it would have went, but everything’s on hold right now. Although, I promise, you, Mr.Charming, will have this proposal the minute everything goes back to normal. Until then, I’ll keep on substituting “I like you” with other synonyms.

Can’t post a clearer picture but our last day together ❤

Summer Love

Posted on by Prie

May 2019
White shirt, rolled up sleeves and the blue sky complementing his blue eyes, Sam is all dressed up for his first day at the new job.

April 2019
We bought a new house. It was tough as Sam hasn’t landed a job yet but I’m sure his hard work will pay off soon.

10th January, 2019
We moved about 1000 miles away from our hometown, halfway across the country, in my dream city for my dream job.

22:04, 25th December, 2018
“I guess I never found someone whose fingers fit perfectly between the spaces of my hand,” Sam admitted shyly. These word were an elixir for my aching heart. In an instance I closed the four year old distance between us. With fire in my veins, regret in my heart, yearning for his love, I didn’t hold back. Neither did he. We were sixteen again, foolishly in love.

22:01, 25th December, 2018
After Christmas dinner and exchanging courtesies with my parents, we were out on the front porch, beneath the starless sky, desperately trying to find a conversation starter when I finally broke the silence, “So did you find a girlfriend yet?” I clenched my fist hard, preparing for the worst.

20th December, 2018
When I visited Orson, my hometown, for the last time before permanently moving for my dream job, I never thought I’d run into Sam. I ran across the street and gave him a big hug, almost knocking him down. He embraced me with open arms. After four fuckall years of college, I was so delighted to see him. I wish we had never broken up. ‘Cause now I think I might have lost him forever.
P.S. Mom invited him to dinner to make matters more uncomfortable.

August, 2017
Watching my boyfriend’s tongue throat-deep in another woman, I was absolutely done. I cried myself to sleep that night and a couple of nights following that. I longed for Sam’s hand in mine. I wondered if I called him out of the blue, will he remember me. I convinced myself that he wouldn’t be moping around for someone like me. If I did call him, all I would do is make him carry a burden that isn’t his in the first place.

January, 2015
We both cried when we decided to mutually break up for neither of us wanted to hold the other back. “No one survives a long distance relationship, let alone 4 years and 500 miles,” they advised us. We were young and stupid. All we knew was to love and even that was taken from us today. When we parted ways, I let out a silent prayer to help Sam find someone better than me. I hate to see him cry.

October, 2014
When I was stressing out over my college acceptance letters, Sam carried me out of my room, into his car, bought a sundae and drove down to Sunset Point. As we sat on the hood of his car, eating the melted ice cream, as if there was no tomorrow, I wondered how I would ever manage without him ’cause we completed each other without even realizing it.
Also, I love how his eyes sparkle when he tries to look, without squinting, beyond the horizon.

March, 2014
Sam and I were revising The Circulatory System at the library when I asked him, “Where does your heart lie?” “With you,” was his immediate reply. When I said he doesn’t even mean that, he slowly sang, “It’s only words and words are all I have to take your heart away.”
Could I be any more in love?

September, 2013
We had an English class together and I caught him looking at me. I teasingly said, “You’re staring.” He smiled softly, looked down then looked away. The next minute, he’s looking at me like that again and everytime it makes me melt.

30th June, 2012
Summer was almost over when mom asked me if I still had feelings for Sam. 
“He makes me laugh. I think I’m going to marry him someday,” I said confidently.
“You make me laugh,” mom replied sarcastically.

3rd June, 2012
Sam pulled me close and kissed me for the first time. Just like that. His hands slowly moved from my waist and into my hair as if he wanted every part of me in that moment but couldn’t get enough. Dazed after the heated exchange, he slowly took my hand and placed it on my chest, whispering in my ear, “Hey, slow down. Your heart is going to beat out of your chest.”

24th May, 2012
We just lied on the cool grass of the front porch today. I drew stories on the clouds as Sam read a romantic story voicing both the knight in shining armour and the damsel in distress that left me laughing all day.

18:02, 12th May, 2012
I looked out of my window and saw Sam patiently waiting in his car. He had cleaned up quite nicely for our first date.
Could he be the one?

18:05, 12th May, 2012
I rushed out of my house, amidst smoke, after hearing a loud crash. I fell down as I held Sam’s half burned, half bleeding body, unable to move. Dad quickly reacted and lay him on his car seat to drive him to the hospital as mom called the police station to report a case of hit and run.

19:30, 12th May, 2012
Sitting outside the operating room, covered in Sam’s blood and my tears, I prayed to all the Gods I knew, begging for a do-over, pleading for his right to live. I wondered if I could wind back the clock, how differently everything could turn out to be.

19:30, 12th May, 2012
Beep…beep…..beep……beeeeeeeeeeep.
The doctors stopped operating on the dead body. Blue eyes and blue skies faded into the dark.

The Start Of Something New

Posted on by Prie

I looked at my watch nervously, shivering, partly out of fear and partly because it was freezing cold and I was wearing nothing but a summer dress. As my body waved a white flag against the cold wind, I regretted every single decision I made that day.

It all started when I was too bored to attend my tuitions and decided to bunk the 3 hour-long class to roam the streets of my city. The advantage of being young and broke is that you have too much time on your hands. The first two hours flew by fast as I strolled around some parks.

It suddenly dawned on me that my wallet wasn’t in my pocket anymore. Stubborn me decided to trace back her steps to find her lost possession because time is a commodity which she has in abundance. An hour went by and I finally concluded that someone must have picked it up. So that money was as good as gone. It was no big deal as I had a van to drop a couple of kids and me home from the tuition, so I technically did not need any money to get back home.

What I did not realize that it was 7:30 and that the class was already over. It was a 20 minute walk back but I was desperate to make it so I ran as fast as my legs could take me. Still, I missed the van. He probably assumed that I had gone home by myself. Calling my dad wasn’t an option as I knew I’d be grounded for bunking classes. So I searched for alternatives.

I called up a few of my friends but all of them were either too far away, too busy or did not have a vehicle at their service. I sat down on the damp sidewalk, buried my face in my hands and was on the verge of crying when my phone rang.

“Hello?”
“Hey, you alright?,” a cheerful voice answered, “You told me that you’d call me to discuss the school project. It’s 8 o’ clock already.”
“Umm. I know this sounds crazy but can you come pick me up?” Please don’t say no. Please don’t say no.
“You okay? Where are you?”
“Near Subway.”
“I’ll be there in 10.”

Click. The phone call ended but left a smile on my face. An acquaintance turned out more helpful than my so-called best friends. A man of his word, he was there in less than ten minutes on his scooty. He was pretty concerned about me so I had to tell him the entire story.

“You must be starving. You have to eat something. And don’t argue with me for I won’t drop you home then.”

I had to oblige. Over a club sandwich and a cup of hot chocolate, I made a new friend. I felt awful about him paying. He noticed my uneasiness and whispered in my ear, “Don’t worry. The next treat is on you.”

As we headed back home, he put his jacket around me that left him cold. I tried to reason with him but he was a worthy contender in matching my levels of stubbornness.
“Trust me. I’ll be fine as long as there’s a bed beneath the stars that shine.”
I smiled and muttered under my breath, “Oasis.” And that was the end of it.

The rest of the ride we discussed the rise and the fall of a great band. The bitter November winds pierced through my jacket, leaving me numb. How I felt bad for the guy who acted as my armor, protecting me from the frosty blows with nothing but a t-shirt as his shield!

When he dropped me off in front of my house, I gave him back his jacket and extended my hand for a handshake. His hands felt like winter itself, ice-cold and dead. I wanted to apologize for all the trouble he went through for me when his bourbon eyes locked with mine. He gave me a reassuring smile and all I could muster was a frail, “Thank You.”

“Good night,” he said as he drove off, humming Wonderwall.

His desk was empty, the next day at school. I called him as soon as I reached home, when his mother informed me of his high fever. I shuddered. I knew it was all my fault.

“If you don’t mind aunty, can I come visit him?”
“Oh sure. It will be good for him to have some friends over,” as she gave me her address.

On my way over, I stopped by to pick up some hot chocolate for him. As I looked up at the velvet sky from the same damp sidewalk on which I was crying the day before, I could feel it in my bones; the start of something new.

What Does Fashion Mean To You?

Posted on by Prie

“Fashion is not something that exists in dresses only. Fashion is in the sky, in the street; fashion has to do with ideas, the way we live, what is happening.”

Its definition changes with age. For some it’s comfort while for others it’s about standing out of the crowd. For me, it’s about expressing myself.

It’s about being simple but significant.

It’s about conveying without words. When my clothes bring out my temper, my personality and my charisma, it is spot on fashion for me.

It was never about high heels, tank tops or coloured hair but rather flats, graphic T-shirts and a messy bun.
It was never about pricey gadgets or latest smart phones but rather knowing that the iPhone 5 is just as useful as the iPhone 7.
It was never about living through the lens of my phone but rather living in the moment.
It was never about visiting expensive shops every week but rather purchasing something that would last forever.

Fashion is fickle so I’d rather spread my little share of phenomenality with my genuine uniqueness rather than be a slave of the trend pages.

At the end of the day, it’s all about ethical fashion because people judge an individual by how they dress and I refuse to give them the wrong idea.

The designs and phrases on my shirts reflect me and my beliefs or deeds. I loathe copying everyone else because then I wouldn’t be me. Comfort is important but still it has to be about me because fashion paints a part of a bigger picture.

I always feel that if I’m going to be uncomfortable and unhappy in something, just because people think it’s in or it’s chic, I would fairly be happy than well-dressed.

It’s better to be happy.

Fashion is not necessarily about labels.
It’s not about brands.
It’s about something else that comes from within me.
I am not into trends. I don’t let fashion own me, but I decide what I am.

And that’s the way I never go out of fashion.